ch1

She felt numb.

That was all, and that was it. Numb.

Sore.

She was sitting at the edge of her window, knees up to her chest and face buried in between them. Her hair was neatly tied up in a ponytail. That was all she cared to do since waking up from yesterday’s nightmare. Sniffing, she brought her face up and looked down the window. Staring at the lake below, she tried—forced—herself to empty her worked up, emotionally exhausted brain.

Imagine a clogged up drain. Full of wasted, three-day old rubbish thrown in by ‘civilians’, full of unwanted stuff and tangled webs of leftover food. Colour? Very darkish olive green with bits of the household pink and orange plastic bags you get at the kedai runcit and kedai makan. Scattered and messy, polluting the environment.

That was exactly how she felt.

“Sophie?” came a groggy voice. Ingrid had just woken up, sleepy eyes and bedhead and all.

Sophie didn’t bother looking up from her stupor.

Ingrid shook her head. Getting out of bed, she stretched herself and watched her friend. Man, she was screwed. Truthfully, she had no idea how Sophie was going to get out of this rotten rut she was in. Absent-mindedly, Ingrid went to the study table they both shared and boiled some water. Grabbing some bread and jam, she prepared breakfast and some hot chocolate for both of them.

Sophie hadn’t said a word. Nor moved an inch. She was still staring out the window. Ingrid knew she was silently thinking. There was a lot going on inside that brain of hers, she knew that. God, please, help her.

“Here,” Ingrid offered the big mug of hot chocolate. It was steaming. Ingrid knew Sophie long enough that she liked it that way.

“I’m skipping my Physics lecture,” Sophie declared. “I’m in no mood whatsoever to walk and go to a nine a.m. class.”

“Okay.”

“What time’s your class today?”

“Eleven.”

“Lucky.”

And then Sophie was quiet. She sipped her chocolate. And stared out the window again. Ingrid munched on the bread she prepared.

“What time is it?” Sophie mumbled.

“Just a quarter to eight.”

“Thanks.”

Silence. Ingrid gulped down her hot chocolate silently, leaving two pieces of bread on the plate.

“Ingrid.”

“Yes?”

“I’m stupid. I just am. Simple.”

More silence.

That was just how Sophie really felt. Stupid to the point that she was numb thinking about it.

“You know what, Sophie? It would really help if you just tell me what exactly happened last night,” Ingrid said pointedly.

“You know what, Ingrid? I think you’re right.”

Sophie finally reached for the bread and took a bite.

“So we went out yesterday. I didn’t expect there would be a couple of other people. Anyway, so we went and he was there as well. And for the whole seven hours that we were hanging out, I didn’t say a single freaking word to him. Not even a simple Hey.”

A sip of the hot chocolate.

“It’s sad. The words wouldn’t come out. And that was it. I didn’t say anything, he didn’t even just as much as looked at me, and we were the only two people not speaking to each other.”

A violent bite to the bread.

“I feel so wasted. And I owe Dominic a lot.”

A low sniff.

“I don’t know how I’m gonna be okay.”

They sat there for a full five minutes and thirty-two seconds staring at the lake. Opposite their building was the boys’ hostel. Sophie chose to stare at it, thinking that in one of those rooms, a boy she liked was probably thinking she was this boring, stupid little girl who was having a stupid crush on him, and who was stupid enough that she couldn’t even utter a single freaking stupid Hey when they had a chance to freaking hang out. For nearly the whole night.

The whole night.

The whole night she was out with them hanging and laughing and making jokes and faces, and she didn’t even have the stupid courage to say all the things she wanted—and needed—and supposed—to say to him. And to only him. How was it possible that she was able to mingle with the rest of them, and when it came to him, there was this invisible super glue attached to her lips, and all of a sudden her voice box was not working at all?

How?

So much for wanting to make it happen and walking the talk.

“I don’t either,” Ingrid finally said.

“What in the world does God has in store for me?” she wondered out loud.

Ingrid felt something for her friend. Sophie was hurting. You could see it; there was nothing to deny that. God, she was hurting. The fact that it was self-inflicted made it even worse. And they both knew she was the one to blame. It was her chance, her opportunity, her opening, and she threw it all away like it was just some stupid assignment that she had decided not worth it all to be handed in. She knew there was nothing she could say that could offer her friend solace. The damage was done. Nicely, neatly, sharply. Zap. The only thing that Ingrid knew Sophie could do now is to talk to him. Honestly, that was all she could do. Or risk losing something that they both knew mattered to her. A lot.

“I’m the one to blame, huh, in the end?” Sophie said slowly. “Now all I need is a second chance.”

Ingrid didn’t say anything. What was there to say?

“Right. When would that be?” Sophie snorted unbelievingly.

“Honey. Stop being so negative,” Ingrid said.

“Screw that. I’m tired of being so positive.”

“Sophie,” Ingrid sighed. Sophie’s pessimism was disgustingly infectious. If she could, she would have called Sophie a loser. But she wasn’t about to. Of course she would get out of this alive. Sophie was right. All she needed was that—a second chance. She drained the last dregs of her hot chocolate. “You can’t just screw your optimism just because of a single nightmare. Move forward. Say what you need to say. There’s absolutely nothing to lose.”

She watched her friend blink significantly. Once.

“Now I’m gonna leave you alone. Finish with the chocolate already?”

“I think a whole bar would be better.”

Ingrid reached for a bar of chocolate on the table. The girls had kept those bars, just in case something emotionally devastating occurred.

“Here then. Take it. It’s high time you need it.”

“Thanks, Ingrid.”

“Will you figure out something, Sophie?”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t want to. Not now. Maybe soon. I can’t be a loser forever, can I?”

Ingrid started toward the door. Just when she was about to open the door, she turned towards Sophie with a dramatic swish of her dark hair.

“Do you know gambling?”

“Uh huh.”

“Do it.”